Category: Diversity

Docklands, Melbourne – In an unprecedented world first for the analytics community, a local Melbourne bank has hired its first ever female who isn’t Chinese or Indian.

Recently graduated Sarah Turner, applied for the role and passed all of the technical and behavioural questions with flying colours.

“I don’t know what just happened” Said Turner’s new manager, Jimmy Xu. “Granted, her credentials looked good on paper, but when she rocked up to the interview, she was one of them white folks we’ve heard so much about”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that” Said Prenesh Singh, a colleague of Turner’s “It’s just that we have never seen anything like this before”

Turner is now working in the company’s data science division, doing all sorts of nerdy shit like coding in Python, R and getting thoroughly lost in GitHub.

Turner is struggling to come to terms with her new celebrity status around the office “Honestly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about, I love maths and statistics – so do my parents and so do all of my siblings” She said.

When Figjam Express followed up a few weeks later to see how Turner was getting along, Xu was even more impressed than he had previously been.

“Sarah has been doing excellent work so far” Xu said. “And what’s even crazier is that she can speak mandarin to her colleagues”

In a shocking twist of events, it turns out that Turner was adopted at birth and raised by a fiercely competitive Chinese couple from Balwyn. Which just goes to show, white chicks can do data, you just need a tiger mum to show you the way.

Collins Street, Melbourne – At 10:30 on Monday morning, Natalia McKenzie was called into her Senior Executive’s office to be given the news of her promotion from IT Graduate to Executive.

Hours earlier, McKenzie had arrived at work after dyeing her hair blonde on the weekend.

“I’m totes certain that I’m not qualified for this gig” McKenzie complained “Look. We all know that being blonde is a prerequisite for all female executives. But that doesn’t mean all blonde women have to be executives. It should be based on merit as well”.

McKenzie’s concerns fell on the deaf ears of Senior Executive Paul Hudson. “Natalia can just see this as a more long-term graduate rotation. It’ll be similar work, except she will be paid $400,000 per year. I mean look at her, she even got her hair cut into one of those shoulder length bobs”

McKenzie says she is now concerned about her future marriage prospects. This promotion has essentially locked out 99.9% of all men in McKenizie’s age group from dating her.

“My boyfriend earns a respectable $120,000 a year, but if he doesn’t somehow find a $280,000 pay rise quickly, my dad would never sign-off on a man making less than me.

At press time, McKenzie was in much better spirits. “Okay, so my boyfriend has added “Thought Leader, Male Feminist, Footy Tragic” to his LinkedIn bio… so now he’s also been made an Executive. This means we have a combined annual income $800,000. We are now a power couple. Will put off having kids until it’s too late and then be stupid rich for the rest of our days.”

South Melbourne – At 1:30am on Sunday morning, Anderson Brinkley found himself at his favourite local South Melbourne tiddy bar. The reason for this latest visit being to help celebrate his mate Steve-O’s buck’s night.  

Brinkley, who describes himself as a male feminist in his LinkedIn profile, was having the night of his life dropping Jager Bombs with the boys when he inadvertently locked eyes with a familiar face. It was his colleague Timothy Cruise, who was out celebrating his mate Dave-O’s birthday. 

Brinkley, in a desperate attempt to explain his actions to his fellow male feminist, approached Timbo for a high-five and a chat. 

“Isn’t it wonderful how empowered these women must feel being able to freely express themselves in their chosen careers?” exclaimed Brinkley. 

“It most certainly is, Brinkmeister” said Timbo, sheepishly. “ Actually though…

I’m not so much interested in such places. In fact, uhhh… I’m merely here to celebrate Dave-O’s birthday.  

“I hear ya Tim, I’m totally with you on this one!” agreed Brinkley. 

The two feminists proceeded to brainstorm the best ways to to maximise revenue for these empowered women.

“I have heard from experts that that best thing one can do is to pay extra for a private room.” Said Brinkley.

“It would be wrong not to” exclaimed Timbo. “Let’s go halves!”

Just then, an exotic dancer called Trixie was walking by and greeted them both “Hi Brinkmeister! Hi Timbo!” “I swear I have never seen that woman in my life”, they both said, simultaneously.