Category: Career

Collins Street, Melbourne – During a recent recruitment drive at a local fintech start-up, Senior Manager Paul Andrews was both proud of and disappointed in himself after notifying his smoking hot job candidate, Nicole Jenkins, that she was unsuccessful in her application.

“I’m feeling so many emotions right now” Andrews confided “after interviewing Nicole, I knew two things for certain – firstly, she was offensively attractive – not just her looks, but her personality as well.

Secondly, she was not the best candidate for the role I was hiring for”

Andrews, who currently loves and hates himself for his professionalism and integrity, decided that the role was more suited to his other candidate, Jeffrey Martin.

“So yeah, after a cold shower, it became abundantly clear that the role should really belong to Jeff” Said Andrews, “he’s some dork from Monash with a very strong finance and computer science background, he’d be perfect for the role.”

“I hate him for being so qualified.”

Andrews said that he would be happy to interview Jenkins again for any future roles, but for the time being, he believes his decision is what’s best for the company.

When Jenkins was contacted for comment, she had this to say “I’m quite touched that Paul was able to see past my smoking hot good looks, and see me for the person that I really am: A competent professional who came a close second to Jeff the dork”

“Paul’s integrity and cute dimples have impressed me. I will be sliding into his LinkedIn DMs shortly”

More to come…

Docklands, Melbourne – At 08:47 am last Monday, Melissa Ratcliffe was getting ready for her agile workshop while contemplating the unfairness of the universe.

“After a 3-hour online course and a 50 multiple choice exam, I am now charging $200 an hour as an Accredited Agile Scrum Master.” Said Ratcliffe, as she watched an ambulance zoom by down on Bourke Street below.

“How many paramedics are in that ambulance? Two? Three? It doesn’t matter, I probably make more than all of them combined. That just isn’t right” She continued, as she arranged her white board markers on her magnetic shelf.

For the uninitiated, Agile is an iterative approach to project management involving adults standing around a board with their arms folded or hands on their hips. The aim is to look at Post-it notes and talk about doing work instead of actuallydoing work.

Whereas paramedics are known more for saving people’s lives and copping abuse from ungrateful pricks.

Ms. Ratcliffe has vowed to help paramedics receive better pay. At press time, Ms. Ratcliffe released this statement, “after running an Agile Scrummy Retro Kang-Bang thingy with the Victorian Ambulance Union, it became very clear that the most efficient way to increase their salaries is for all paramedics to become Accredited Agile Scrum Masters. They’ll need to find a spare four hours though.”