Blog

Docklands, Melbourne – Local Office Larrikin, Samuel Campbell, has found himself unemployed after telling a sensational joke during a department Zoom meeting.

Figjam Express caught up with Campbell at his local pub to hear first-hand how he ended up out on his arse.

Last Thursday morning, Campbell’s former Executive, Andrea Jacobs, was hosting a ridiculously large Zoom meeting, attended by over 150 colleagues.

Half way through the meeting, Jacobs was having technical issues with her presentation slides, so she decided to restart PowerPoint, which would take a minute or two to complete.

Instead of awkwardly waiting in silence for her preso to open, she asked the group “Does anyone know a good joke?”

It was at this time that Campbell went off mute and volunteered his joke telling services.

“I’ve got a good one!”, Campbell proudly exclaimed. “What kind of bees make milk? … Boo bees!”

According to Campbell, Ms. Jacobs did NOT seem amused.

“Ahhh man, Andrea straight up flipped her lid! She is a card-carrying party pooper.” Said Campbell.

“But at least she showed a bit of emotion. Unlike all of the other pricks on mute with their cameras off. Standup comedy over Zoom is verrry tricky business!”

Later that day, Mr. Campbell was called into a meeting with Human Resources and Ms. Jacobs – he no longer works for the company.

When asked what Campbell’s employment plans were, he just shrugged and said. “No rush, my family is ridiculously rich. In fact, my uncle is the current Board Chairman of my ex-employer, so I’ll probably just waltz back into my old roll once I’m done with this beer.

In light of the recent revelation of Mr. Campbell’s connections, Andrea Jacobs has since apologised to Mr. Campbell. She will also be taking a mandatory humour sensitivity course.

Collins Street, Melbourne – A young woman from a local finance firm has started to wear a fake moustache to all of her meetings.

Jennifer Grey, 24, was sick and tired of constantly being accused of being bossy and opinionated by her manager, Diego Johnson. So, she decided to take matters into her own hands.

“Here’s the thing” Said Grey “I’m not opinionated”

“I turn up to meetings, and apart from Diego, nobody says a word! Instead of conforming to the group’s behaviour, I constantly make an effort to contribute my thoughts and suggestions to the group”

“Then, at my weekly catch up with Diego, I have to listen to him banging on about how I was out of line in the team meeting last Monday.”

According to Grey, the last straw was when Johnson asked the team what they’d like to do for their upcoming team building afternoon.

“He asked what we should do for the activity, and I simply suggested we could perhaps go ten pin bowling. The prick then got all shirty because I delivered my opinion in an aggressive manner”

“Well, you know what? I’d had enough of his unstable fragility. If you can’t beat em, join em! So on goes the moustache!”

Since then, Grey is pleased (and slightly exasperated) to report that Johnson has done a complete 180 and is now entirely open and receptive to Grey’s suggestions.

“Jennifer has completely changed her attitude in my meetings! I can’t believe how well she’s taken on my feedback! And I love the ‘stache. It’s like having our very own Merv Hughes… or Magnum P.I!”

When Grey was asked to corroborate this, she had this to say, “Absolute bollocks! Diego had once again asked us about the team activity, and I literally suggested the same damn thing as I did last week – ten pin bowling”

And it seems that Grey’s moustache will be making an appearance at next week’s ten pin bowling sesh as well.

“Make no mistake, I will DESTROY Diego at bowling. But if I do it without the ol’ Burt Reynolds on my lip, then who knows what levels of butt hurt will await me the next day”

Docklands, Melbourne – at 12:06pm on Monday, a team of hungry Finance colleagues were riding the office lift, hoping to buy lunch and eat it in time for their 12:30 meeting that some prick from Marketing had organised.

The notoriously slow lift was puttering its way down from level 32, stopping every few levels to pick up other workers who probably also had 12:30 meetings to get to.

Three agonising minutes into the journey, the lift was nearly at its final destination. The elevator’s momentum had built up well and people were feeling hopeful… But then, all of a sudden, the lift stopped on Level 4.

The doors opened, but nobody was in sight. After a few seconds of waiting, the doors slowly began to close… but not before a foot came out of nowhere to prevent the door from shutting entirely. 

The doors opened again to let in a very unfit and smug looking man. He proceeded to lift his finger to the number pad and pressed Level 3. 

A faint “oh, you lazy bastard” could be heard from someone at the back of the lift, as it made its way to Level 3.

The man then, very unfitly and smugly, sauntered out of the lift at Level 3 – leaving his newly founded group of detractors to proceed to the Ground floor.

At 12:32, the group had hurriedly bought and finished their meals and were only slightly late to their 12:30 meeting. Turns out, in a sick twist of fate, that the meeting was being run by the same smug bastard who was too lazy to walk one flight of stairs.